Burnout

That title sums up how I’m feeling at the moment. Exhausted and with a general malaise that is not a good sign for my future mental health. Part of it is work, like always. I’ve taken on someone else’s work while we seek a replacement, and I’ve forgotten how stressful it is. I’m one of those people who takes their work home with them, and the prospect of having angry customers writing aggressive emails keeps me on edge on the weekends and in the evenings. I should just let it slide but yeah, always had trouble doing that.

I’m a bit caught between a rock and a hard place with work now. I’d like to move on, but having a mortgage means I can’t up and leave without a better paid job to go to. In an ideal world I want to change careers and get out of a customer-facing role altogether, but I wouldn’t know how to start again, and what I would want to do in the first place. But the thought of spending the rest of my working life in this job fills me with horror, frankly.

I try not to think too far into the future, it’s never been good for me. It’s pointless too – you could keep making future plans and then realise you’re 80 and there isn’t much future left. Most of the time I keep a handle on it and just get on with things. But sometimes its tough. Really tough.

It sounds banal but this fucking weather doesn’t help. The clocks changed last weekend so the darkness creeps ever closer every day. Which I dislike more the order I get. It hasn’t stopped raining for days, which put paid to most of my weekend activities. And I suppose with my birthday next week that sharpens the mind on all this stuff. Another year will have slipped by.

So it is somewhat of a miracle that I have got something on the go. Novella length I think, and I suspect I’ll get tangled in knots again the further I go, but it’s something. My work ethic is shocking, I only write a few nights a week, which is bad form for creative output, but I’m enjoying myself again. It’s been quite a while since I could say that. A brief spot of light on the horizon.